Spasm said something about you guys last night in a long talk as he tried to calm me down.
Can you tell me if it was true?
He said you guys have been worried about me, conerned, and you didn't know what to do and I didn't work with you and you're fed up now and you can't stand to see me just... Sinking like this, when it doesn't seem to change. Is that true?
Well, while you don't respond to me, but havn't blocked me, I'm going to presume you want to hear more and will respond when you hear something you like. You guys share everything behind my back, but in this case I give you permission to actually do that.
In my life I have been abused, abandoned, beaten, broken and apshixiated to within an inch of my life. This all happened in the last eight years. Everything time I seem to be getting out of my dark rut, something goes horribly wrong and I get crammed back down.
There were times in 2002-2004 where I wasn't alive. I just lived to see what was next on TV. Then relationship attempts and new connections were made in 2004, by early 2005 I had a 300lb transsexual with a narcisistic personality disorder ontop of me, squeezing the air out of me and ranting.
Before I continue, this isn't a pity drive, it's essentual background content.
In 2007 there was the relationship, and that went wrong, but there was more to that. I'd moved in, with roommates, with friends, I used the internet so much less, I went out so much more. Everything seemed up and well you know how that went wrong. He even took my cat away from me.
In 2005 I got into the anime group. That kept me busy and I made friends, that was good. Not only that but I was valued and needed. I did creative work, O got things done. You saw how I'd always talk about my smaller gaming and anime events. Same group.
That group folded on January 16th this year. Does that sound familular with the timeline for all of this?
Most of the time I don't feel real. I don't feel like a real person. There have been so many times where I have such little connection to the world that I feel like I must already be dead.
I've lost my place a bit here, I need a second to gather my thoughts.
What #girlybois became to me was a safe place that benifitted me. But in that, a year and a half ago, is where I made the first mistake.
When I was stressed out, when things were falling apart, if I was just spent for a while, I could hang with you guys and not get sympathy but go to a place where I felt real. Where I could talk about things important to me. In turn, I wouldn't be satisfy with this limited 'realness' and wanted to go out to keep the things I talked about to be real.
That's why I always took pictures, it seems like proof that I am real.
My mistake was I kept all of you at a certian distance. I told you lots of surface things about me, but the deep stuff and the stories that make for bonding I avoided. I was afraid of being too connected to people, what I didn't realize then was that I did genuinely need you and I created a situation where I needed you but you didn't need me.
With the anime group gone it's not that I was emotionally effected by it, but I had a hell of a lot less to talk about. I think I got more repeatitive than I was before and I always was repeatitive, but there was so much less to talk about, and that grew on peoples nerves.
Mix that with the week before I was banned I hurt my elbow. As we discussed previously, it hurt you to have me shrug off your opinions. I've explained it that I just usually don't care about myself. I wonder now if also just seeing me willing to not care about myself upset you as well. But only you can answer that question for me.
Mixed in with the unrelated Rayne drama that added to the tension and frustration, and it all ripped open. Suffice it to say, I freaked out and I made a huge mess out of evertyhing.
I knew I forgot something, hang on.
From the start of 2009 onward, I've slowly grown more depressed. In this case, I have no idea what the source is but I have slowly shut down. I felt my connection to my friends from the anime group closing off, I just didn't do as much with them outside of the events, untill it was very little at all. But there were still the events.
Okay back on track.
Anywa, I freaked out. I didn't have anything else and I lost the one distraction and escape that kept me from seeing how little I had. I was terrified.
All I was left with was me and my own thoughts, with the realization that at that moment I had nothing. 'Freaked out' isn't a good enough word but I can't think of anything better.
Now everyone else knows that I am almost nothing and you're all upset about it in varying ways. I think my constantly expressing that I'm upset and dispondant just frustrated you more.
What I'm about to say is more a guess, you guys havn't given me enough feedback to be wholefully confident in it, but anyway. I think that after a year and a half of seeing me as one thing and then suddenly seeing me break and entirely out of. I think maybe it scares you, that with such a drastic change you have no idea what to do with it. With me, there's no precident for it.
The next things I'm going to say, are primarily directed at you and Lyndane. Collie, actually throughout all of this he's been really sweet and with him I could still feel real. Rayne, he never really seemed to treat me differently thoughout this, not including me being an utter dick to him but the cause of that isn't really the same cause to the rest of this. I feel it's seperate.
Also, what I'm expressing to you is what I feel. It maybe not be what you set out to do, but it is what I specifically feel.
I feel that you are out for revenge of some sort, or are lashing out at me at this point. I can't quite quantify it. But even after I plead my heart out to you about #girlybois, you rebuffed it and added something to the topic to tease me.
You obviously shared that with Lyn as he was informed of it and you both went into #girlybois to finally burn it down. I feel that you knew this would hurt me. I do know that you turned #snowmewtown into a real channel to hurt me. You personally admitted that one. That's why being in #girlybois was important to me. Because it gave me memories of before we struck out at each other to hurt
And I have struck out to hurt too. A week or two ago, every quotation you and Collie said about Rayne that I publicly posted. I was out to hurt you guys at the time.
I wanted to remember the time before we became monsters.
But I still wanted #snowmewtown, even if you built it specifically as an object of hate towards me. I needed my escape, I needed my place to feel real. But it wasn't the same. You were still angry and still hurting me.
To be honest, in the last two days, I have felt like you were grinding me into the dirt. I felt like you wanted to see just when you could make me finally pop. And I hope you can tell me how wrong I am about that.
I am at my psychological wits end and I feel that I have been pushed to that last bit even. I've been here before, I've been here in 2004. I woke up in an observation room with a monitor wired to me, feeling as sick as I possibly could, with a doctor lecturing me about potential liver damage and a 45min psych consault. All I felt was humiliation for having screwed it up.
I am afraid. I am terriffied, frightened, and I feel utterly alone.
The only thing I've needed was to be treated like a real person agian. So I can recharge, feel real agian and go back out there. Right now I have no other way out.
Any display of depression and self loathing would vanish in hours if you could just treat me like a person agian. And I can feel like a real person, and I can rebuild some confidence and I can go out and try to be real out there.
I guess that's all I have to say.
Can you tell me if it was true?
He said you guys have been worried about me, conerned, and you didn't know what to do and I didn't work with you and you're fed up now and you can't stand to see me just... Sinking like this, when it doesn't seem to change. Is that true?
Well, while you don't respond to me, but havn't blocked me, I'm going to presume you want to hear more and will respond when you hear something you like. You guys share everything behind my back, but in this case I give you permission to actually do that.
In my life I have been abused, abandoned, beaten, broken and apshixiated to within an inch of my life. This all happened in the last eight years. Everything time I seem to be getting out of my dark rut, something goes horribly wrong and I get crammed back down.
There were times in 2002-2004 where I wasn't alive. I just lived to see what was next on TV. Then relationship attempts and new connections were made in 2004, by early 2005 I had a 300lb transsexual with a narcisistic personality disorder ontop of me, squeezing the air out of me and ranting.
Before I continue, this isn't a pity drive, it's essentual background content.
In 2007 there was the relationship, and that went wrong, but there was more to that. I'd moved in, with roommates, with friends, I used the internet so much less, I went out so much more. Everything seemed up and well you know how that went wrong. He even took my cat away from me.
In 2005 I got into the anime group. That kept me busy and I made friends, that was good. Not only that but I was valued and needed. I did creative work, O got things done. You saw how I'd always talk about my smaller gaming and anime events. Same group.
That group folded on January 16th this year. Does that sound familular with the timeline for all of this?
Most of the time I don't feel real. I don't feel like a real person. There have been so many times where I have such little connection to the world that I feel like I must already be dead.
I've lost my place a bit here, I need a second to gather my thoughts.
What #girlybois became to me was a safe place that benifitted me. But in that, a year and a half ago, is where I made the first mistake.
When I was stressed out, when things were falling apart, if I was just spent for a while, I could hang with you guys and not get sympathy but go to a place where I felt real. Where I could talk about things important to me. In turn, I wouldn't be satisfy with this limited 'realness' and wanted to go out to keep the things I talked about to be real.
That's why I always took pictures, it seems like proof that I am real.
My mistake was I kept all of you at a certian distance. I told you lots of surface things about me, but the deep stuff and the stories that make for bonding I avoided. I was afraid of being too connected to people, what I didn't realize then was that I did genuinely need you and I created a situation where I needed you but you didn't need me.
With the anime group gone it's not that I was emotionally effected by it, but I had a hell of a lot less to talk about. I think I got more repeatitive than I was before and I always was repeatitive, but there was so much less to talk about, and that grew on peoples nerves.
Mix that with the week before I was banned I hurt my elbow. As we discussed previously, it hurt you to have me shrug off your opinions. I've explained it that I just usually don't care about myself. I wonder now if also just seeing me willing to not care about myself upset you as well. But only you can answer that question for me.
Mixed in with the unrelated Rayne drama that added to the tension and frustration, and it all ripped open. Suffice it to say, I freaked out and I made a huge mess out of evertyhing.
I knew I forgot something, hang on.
From the start of 2009 onward, I've slowly grown more depressed. In this case, I have no idea what the source is but I have slowly shut down. I felt my connection to my friends from the anime group closing off, I just didn't do as much with them outside of the events, untill it was very little at all. But there were still the events.
Okay back on track.
Anywa, I freaked out. I didn't have anything else and I lost the one distraction and escape that kept me from seeing how little I had. I was terrified.
All I was left with was me and my own thoughts, with the realization that at that moment I had nothing. 'Freaked out' isn't a good enough word but I can't think of anything better.
Now everyone else knows that I am almost nothing and you're all upset about it in varying ways. I think my constantly expressing that I'm upset and dispondant just frustrated you more.
What I'm about to say is more a guess, you guys havn't given me enough feedback to be wholefully confident in it, but anyway. I think that after a year and a half of seeing me as one thing and then suddenly seeing me break and entirely out of. I think maybe it scares you, that with such a drastic change you have no idea what to do with it. With me, there's no precident for it.
The next things I'm going to say, are primarily directed at you and Lyndane. Collie, actually throughout all of this he's been really sweet and with him I could still feel real. Rayne, he never really seemed to treat me differently thoughout this, not including me being an utter dick to him but the cause of that isn't really the same cause to the rest of this. I feel it's seperate.
Also, what I'm expressing to you is what I feel. It maybe not be what you set out to do, but it is what I specifically feel.
I feel that you are out for revenge of some sort, or are lashing out at me at this point. I can't quite quantify it. But even after I plead my heart out to you about #girlybois, you rebuffed it and added something to the topic to tease me.
You obviously shared that with Lyn as he was informed of it and you both went into #girlybois to finally burn it down. I feel that you knew this would hurt me. I do know that you turned #snowmewtown into a real channel to hurt me. You personally admitted that one. That's why being in #girlybois was important to me. Because it gave me memories of before we struck out at each other to hurt
And I have struck out to hurt too. A week or two ago, every quotation you and Collie said about Rayne that I publicly posted. I was out to hurt you guys at the time.
I wanted to remember the time before we became monsters.
But I still wanted #snowmewtown, even if you built it specifically as an object of hate towards me. I needed my escape, I needed my place to feel real. But it wasn't the same. You were still angry and still hurting me.
To be honest, in the last two days, I have felt like you were grinding me into the dirt. I felt like you wanted to see just when you could make me finally pop. And I hope you can tell me how wrong I am about that.
I am at my psychological wits end and I feel that I have been pushed to that last bit even. I've been here before, I've been here in 2004. I woke up in an observation room with a monitor wired to me, feeling as sick as I possibly could, with a doctor lecturing me about potential liver damage and a 45min psych consault. All I felt was humiliation for having screwed it up.
I am afraid. I am terriffied, frightened, and I feel utterly alone.
The only thing I've needed was to be treated like a real person agian. So I can recharge, feel real agian and go back out there. Right now I have no other way out.
Any display of depression and self loathing would vanish in hours if you could just treat me like a person agian. And I can feel like a real person, and I can rebuild some confidence and I can go out and try to be real out there.
I guess that's all I have to say.